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Stewie's Interviews
A Bunch of Whores

 Stewie: Welcome upcoming coffin attendants. This is an extraordinary interview, mostly because it is my last one. So, let me tell you who I am interviewing; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Anna Nicole Smith and some other prostitute I found on a street corner.
 
Nicole Richie: You didn't find me on a street corner!
 
Stewie: Okay fine, I found her passed out on a park bench. Anyway, the biggest whore in the world is here. Paris Hilton.
 
Paris Hilton: Hi Stewie.(Paris Hilton looks up while sticking her tongue out.)
 
Stewie: Hello girl covered in venereal diseases. Now Paris tell me, how does a girl like you, get so many googlely eyes from men? I've been trying for a year to get men stare at me, and all I get is a couple of guys blowing on my tummy. So, how do you get all the men?
 
Paris: I just do, he-he, I don't know why.
 
Stewie: I only ask because I don't know how a man could find you appealing. Just because a girl over 18 is tall, blonde, and rich, does not mean you're attractive. Everytime I see you, you look permenetly intoxicated. You also look like you've been hit in the face with a mallot. Not to mention that you're a huge bitch, and that you're no smarter than your average dog.
 
Paris: I guess I just show them my boobs and yeah... He-he.
 
Stewie: You're not even stacked. God, my father has larger breasts than you to be honest. Even my biological brother, has larger breasts. Not the female sibbling though.
 
Paris: I guess I just spread my legs and...
 
Stewie: And after you do that the STD monster attacks every man it sees?
 
Paris: Yeah, I guess, he-he.
 
Stewie: Now Paris, tell me, how do you keep getting those Christ awful reality shows on Fox?
 
Paris: America loves to see me I guess.
 
Stewie: Oh God, you actually think people like you don't you? Ha-ha-ha-ha, how delightfully pitiful! I envy your ways of being dillusional and ignorant. People hate you. Men and women! Everybody dispises you and wishes that you would die from the clap.
 
Nicole Richie: People watch it for me.
 
Stewie: Oh yes, Nicole Richie, the follower. How's it feel to walk in a hooker's footsteps?
Nicole Richie: I'm not following in Paris's footsteps. Jeez, this interview better get me publicity.
 
Stewie: It might get you some publicity. Anyway, how's your heroin addiction going?
 
Nicole Richie: Pretty good, pretty good. I'm not as hooked on it as I once was, but you can still tell that I inject.
 
Stewie: I'm sure that many things have been injected into you before.
 
Nicole Richie: Yes you're correct. In fact, I'm having a sex scandal tape filmed right now, to get me really famous.
 
Stewie: I hope that works out better for you than your band. Why didn't your band succeed?
 
Nicole Richie: Well, I don't think that we had any talent. So I turned into a professional freelance stripper.
 
Stewie: Well, at least you have boobs unlike your idol.
 
Paris: I have boobs!
 
Stewie: Some may call them boobs, others may call them the trigger to desperate teenager ejaculation, who would masturbate to English Bulldogs if it "got them off." I, however, like to call them... Pancakes. Mmm, haven't had those in awhile.
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Innaview me Steway! Innaview me!
 
Stewie: So Anna, how's your speech problem going?
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Goo. They say 'n no time I'll be betta 'en Ozzy Osbourne's seech.
 
Stewie: How's your boob job?
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Goo, $100 ucks an hour, 'ix customas a day.
 
Stewie: What I meant was... Nevermind. Hey, I was very sorry to heard about the reverse in your case. You know, when you had sex with that old guy and married him for his money. Then the court took away the money you got from him. That was a loss for hoes everywhere.
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Yeah, the judge is a meany head. But I 'till got my Trimspa baby!
 
Stewie: Trimspa? Is that the diet company you were involved with?
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Yeah.
Stewie: Oh yes, I remember. You really looked like a skank in those commercials. They must have fixed you up to make the commercials more classier.
 
Lindsay Lohan: Whoa, Stewie the comedian!
 
Stewie: Oh, how could I forget Lindsay Lohan? The girl who shows off he D cups at every chance she gets. Lindsay, I remember when you were 16 and you were almost as flat as Paris. Now look at you! You can't even keep them in your dress!
 
Lindsay Lohan: I don't know if that's a compliment, but thanks, I guess. Hey, you should check out my new movie, "Mean Girls".
 
Stewie: Wasn't that the funny movie created by Tina Fey?
 
Lindsay Lohan: No, not that "Mean Girls''. I'm talking about the "Mean Girls" which is being directed by Ron Jer- Jer-a mie... Or however you say it.
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Is okay honey, I have twubble purnouncin' wurds too.
 
Stewie: Here's the time in the show where I bring up something incredibly embarrasing. So, Linday, how's your father.
 
Lindsay Lohan: I don't want to talk about it.
 
Stewie: Hey Lohan! I'm interviewing whores! Not assholes! Now answer my question.
 
Linsay Lohan: Hey Griffin! I don't want to talk about it.
 
Stewie: Ooh, we've got a feisty one tonight! Hey Lindsay, tonight you know what's going to happen to you? You're going to get tied up to a lightnig rod!
 
Lindsay Lohan: And as I was saying, I hate my father because he's such a cruel person.
 
Stewie: Alrighty then, any closing words?
 
Paris Hilton: $50 an hour.
 
Nicole Richie: I'll pay you $50 if you put me in your magazine.
 
Anna Nicole Smith: Undred ucks a video tape. An' if you're over ninedy-'our, I'll marry you!
 
Stewie: And Lindsay can't say anything since sh'es being tied up right now... Not to a lightning rod, but to some guy's bed. Some sound guy told her $15 and she left. Anyway, this is Stewie saying, "I'm not coming back, but if you want to remember me, stick your finger in a light socket." Griffin out!