Season 1- “Death Has A Shadow”

Episode 101/1ACX01

Written by Seth MacFarlane

Transcripted by QuagsCorner.com



[Cheery instrumental music]

[Cuts to Griffin television]

JAN BRADY: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg’s jacket.

MIKE BRADY: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?

GREG BRADY: No, Dad.

MIKE BRADY: Well, he’s lying. There’s no doubt about that. Greg, I’m afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit. Maybe that’ll give you time to think about what you’ve done.

GREG BRADY: Aw, man! [Jumps into snakepit]

JAN BRADY: That’ll teach him.

MIKE BRADY: And Jan, I’m afraid you’ve earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

[Cuts back to Griffins]

LOIS: Ugh, smoking. How does a boy like that go wrong?

PETER: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.

BRIAN: The Bradys?

PETER: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.

AUNT JEMIMA: You folks want some pancakes?

PETER: No, thank you. See, that’s the worst we got is Jemima’s Witnesses.

[Cuts to theme song]

[Cheery instrumental music]

MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?

LOIS: Meg, you don’t need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world’s problems stem from poor self-image.

[Cuts to German gym]

[Polka music playing in gym]

[Man and women laughing]

ADOLF HITLER: [Growling]

STEWIE: Excellent. The mind controlling device is nearing completion.

LOIS: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

STEWIE: Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

LOIS: Aw, don’t pout, honey. When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he’d ever seen.

STEWIE: But, of course. That was my victory day, the fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device woman!

LOIS: No toys, Stewie.

STEWIE: Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

MEG: Mom, can I turn the heat up?

LOIS: Don’t touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

MEG: Come on, this thing goes up to 90.

[Peter comes in through door instantly]

PETER: Who touched the thermostat?

MEG: God, how does he always know?

PETER: Brian implant, Meg, every father’s got one. Tells you when the kids are messing with the dial.

GUY: [Comes through door] Hey Peter my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

PETER: Yeah, it’s alright.

CLEVELAND: Hey, is my kid over here?

GUY: Forget it! False alarm!

BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy. Peter, its 7:00 and you’ve still got your pants on. What’s the occasion?

LOIS: He’s going to a stag party.

PETER: Now Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. And as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

LOIS: Look, at least promise me you won’t drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.

PETER: Come on. You’re worrying about nothing.

LOIS: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?

[Cuts to church]

PRIEST: And so the Lord smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.

GOD: Aw man, I hate it when he tells this story.

PRIEST: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

PETER: [Cough] Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?

PRIEST: Yes.

PETER: Man, that guy must’ve been wasted 24 hours a day.

[Cuts back to Peter and Lois]

LOIS: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

[Cuts to ice cream store]

PETER: Butter Rum’s my favorite. [Passes out on table]

BRIAN: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia.

[Cuts to theatre]

[Audience crying]

PETER: I got it. That’s the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that’s it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.

[Cuts to screen]

TOM HANKS: I have AIDS.

PETER: [Laughs hysterically]

[Cuts back to Peter and Lois]

LOIS: Promise me Peter.

PETER: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

[Cuts to party]

QUAGMIRE: Hey, who wants to play Drink The Beer?

PETER: Right here.

QUAGMIRE: You win!

PETER: All right. What do I win?

QUAGMIRE: Another beer!

PETER: Oh I’m going for the high score!

QUAGMIRE: Actually, Charlie’s got the high score.

CHARLIE: Hey, man your clock won’t flush.

PETER: You know I feel kind of bad guys. I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink.

QUAGMIRE: Don’t feel bad Peter.

PETER: Gee, I never thought of it like that.

GUY: Hey, did you bring the porno?

PETER: Did I bring the porno? You’re gonna love it. It’s a classic.
[Cuts to television]

RICK: Listen Ilsa, if I take this thing out and you’re not on it you’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life.

[Cuts back to stag party]

PETER: Come on Ilsa! Get on it!

[Cuts back to television]

[Funky music on TV]

NARRATOR: The statue was originally a gift from France.

[Cuts back to stag party]

GUY: What is this?

PETER: Aw man, my kid must’ve taped over this for history class.

ALL: [Groans]

GUY: Aw, The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?

PETER: Boys, boys we’re gonna drink till she’s hot.

QUAGMIRE: Hey, that’s just crazy enough to work.

[Cuts to morning at Griffin home]

LOIS: Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father.

PETER: Thanks, son.

LOIS: 37 beers. You’re setting a great example for the kids, Peter.

CHRIS: Yeah, a new family record, way to raise the bar Dad.

LOIS: Chris, you’re 13. Don’t talk like that.

PETER: Now, kids Daddy only drank so The Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

LOIS: Peter, what did you promise me last night?

PETER: That I wouldn’t drink at the stag party.

LOIS: And what did you do?

PETER: Drank at the stag…Oh ho ho! I almost walked right into that one. Oh ho, God. It feels like there are accountants cranking adding machines in my head.

[Cuts to inside of Peter’s head]

[Machines whirring]

PAUL: Dick, you ever wonder what’s outside those walls?

DICK: That’s dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work.

PAUL: [Laughs] Okay.

[Cuts back to Griffin’s kitchen]

LOIS: You see? A hangover is nature’s way of telling you I was right. I mean…

[Falls of chair]

MEG: Mom, are you all right?

LOIS: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn’t that silly? I could’ve broken my neck.

STEWIE: Damn.

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

PETER: Look, honey, I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn’t wake you up. Nothing bad happened.

LOIS: Well, I guess you’re right.

PETER: Apology accepted. All right, I’m going to work. Somebody’s gotta put food on this table. [Falls off table]

[Cuts to Happy-Go-Lucky Toys Inc.]

MR. WEED: How are you coming, Johnson?

JOHNSON: Well Mr. Weed, I’ve been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see they look great.
G.I. JEW: You call these bagels?

JOHNSON: Whoa! I’m glad he’s on our side!

PETER: [Snoring]

MR. WEED: Peter!

PETER: What?

MR. WEED: Are you sleeping on the job?

PETER: No, there’s a bug in my eye and I’m trying to suffocate him.

MR. WEED: Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It’s your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to children. Now look sharp!

PETER: Yes, sir! [Snoring]

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

[A knife, wire, gasoline, razors, porcupine, and toaster are all shown]

[Cuts to News]

DIANE: And now, back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, “When Toys Attack”. Quite a situation we’ve got here, Tom.

TOM: Quite a situation we’ve got here, Tom, indeed Diane. It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released several unsafe products into the retail market.

[Cuts to children]

CHILD: Come on, Timmy throw the Silly Ball. [Axe hits bat]

[Cuts to next child]

CHILD: Oh boy a Pound Poochie! [Pills come out of box]

[Cuts to last child]

CHILD: Come on, Baby Heimlich spit it out. [Doll spits fire]

[Cuts to Mr. Weed]

MR. WEED: Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company’s reputation. You’re fired!

PETER: Aw, jeez, for how long?

[Sad, instrumental music]

[Cuts to Griffin house]

MEG: Oh my god! You got fired?

CHRIS: Way to god, Dad, fight the machine!

STEWIE: How do you know about the machine?

PETER: Now don’t worry kids, I’ll still put food on this table. Just not as much so it might get a little competitive.

MEG: Who cares about food? Now we’ll never be able to afford my lip injections.

BRIAN: Hey uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?

LOIS: Okay, who’s hungry?

PETER: Aw jeez, how the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking she’s gonna blame me!

DEVIL: Lie to her. It’s okay to lie to women. They’re not people like us.

PETER: I don’t know…Hey, where’s that other guy?

[Cuts to highway in sky]

[Cars honking]

ANGEL: Come on, you bastard! I’m late for work. [Coffee spills] Oh, oh! This is perfect!

[Cuts back to Griffin dining room]

PETER: Look, I don’t want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says things like, “I told you so” and: “Stop doing that I’m asleep.” So I’m just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Now not a word to your mom about me getting canned.

LOIS: What’s that Peter?

PETER: Nothing. The lost my job smells great.
LOIS: What?

PETER: Uh…Meg, honey can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?

LOIS: Peter, are you feeling okay?

PETER: [Laughs] I feel great! I haven’t got a job in the world!

LOIS: All right, then let’s eat.

LOIS: I know you all hate eggplant, but…

[Laser goes by Lois’s face]

LOIS: [Startled] What on earth was that?

STEWIE: What the deuce are you staring at? It’s tuna fish…and nothing else.

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

BRIAN: Hey, how’s your job search going?

PETER: Aw, it sucks Brian. I’ve already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial

[Cuts to Peter in chicken suit]

DIRECTOR: Try it again.

PETER: I’m caca for Cocoa Puffs.

DIRECTOR: No, damn it! Take 26!

[Cuts back to Peter and Brian]

PETER: Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant’s salad bar.

[Cuts to restaurant]

WOMAN: [About to sneeze]

PETER: [Pulls out gun] Take it outside, lady.

[Cuts back to Peter and Brian]

PETER: Then I thought I could win money in that talent show.
[Cuts to stage]

EMCEE: And the grand prize goes to The Von Trapp Family Singers!

PETER: Oh that is bull…[Loud clapping]

[Cuts back to Peter and Brian]

BRIAN: Peter, I know it’s a dangerous precedent but you might want to just tell Lois the truth.

PETER: What? That I can’t provide for my family? That she’s always right? That I didn’t really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?

[Cuts to Tiananmen Square]

PETER: Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!

[Cuts back to Peter and Brian]

BRIAN: You can’t keep lying to her about losing your job. Sooner or later she’s going to find out where you’re going every day.

PETER: Oh yeah.

[Cuts to Peter with lampshade on head]

[Bells and music on TV]

[Cuts back to Peter and Brian]

PETER: Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I’ll tell her tonight.

[Cuts to night]

[Crickets chirping]

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

[Mellow instrumental music]

STEWIE: Victory is mine!

LOIS: Peter, I’ll need the checkbook in the morning. I’m going to Stop `N Shop for some sweet corn.

PETER: You’re spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner.

LOIS: Well, you know I liked it so much, I thought we’d eat again tomorrow. Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?

PETER: Well I just…Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but…

LOIS: What is it Peter?

PETER: You’re getting kind of fat.

LOIS: What?

PETER: It’s just…it’s not healthy.

LOIS: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes?

PETER: Jeez…I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.

LOIS: Peter, what the hell’s the matter with you? You know if there’s something wrong you can tell me.

ANGEL: Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?

PETER: Thank God you’re here. What do I do?

MINI-DEVIL: Tell him to keep quiet! He’s in too deep!

ANGEL: Uh…I don’t know. Hey, where’s the other guy?

[Cuts to mini-sky highway]

[Cars honking]

MINI-ANGEL: Uh, this is unbelievable!

[Cuts back to Peter and Lois]

PETER: Lois, I promise you, everything’s fine. You got nothing to worry about.

STEWIE: Well, well Mother! We meet again!

LOIS: Stewie, I though I tucked you in an hour ago.

STEWIE: Not tightly enough it would seem. And now your contemptible harpy…I shall end your reign of matriarchal tyranny.

LOIS: Aw, you can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it’s bedtime.

STEWIE: Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

PETER: [Laughs] Sweet dreams, kiddo.

STEWIE: You have the power to end this!

BRIAN: hey, how’d she take it?

PETER: I told her she was fat.

BRIAN: [Hits Peter with newspaper] No, no.

PETER: Look, I hate lying to Lois. It’s just…It’s just the best way to keep her from knowing the truth.

BRIAN: Peter, you have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. And she’ll probably sense something’s amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family’s welfare.

PETER: Jeez, Brian! That’s a great idea!

[Cuts to welfare office]

BEAUROCRAT: Okay, do you have any physical disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?

PETER: I didn’t have gas for the first time until I was 30.

[Cuts to young Peter]

[Breaks wind]

PETER: What the hell was that?

[Cuts to Griffin yard]

PETER: Guys, our money problems are over! We’re officially on welfare. Come on kids help me scatter car pipes on the front lawn.

BRIAN: How much are we getting?

PETER: Let’s see. $150 a week.

MEG: Wait. That’s a comma not a decimal.

[Uplifting instrumental music]

PETER: Whoops.

LOIS: No, I haven’t seen Peter all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson.

[Arrows fly next to Lois]

LOIS: Stewie, why don’t you play in the other room.

STEWIE: Why don’t you burn in hell!

LOIS: Oh, well. No dessert for you young man.

PETER: Boy, who would’ve thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government.

BRIAN: This is why I don’t vote.

PETER: [Laughs] Maybe somebody was drinking down there too.

[Cuts to news conference]

REPORTER: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?

BILL CLINTON: Uh…Probably because you’re so fat. [Laughs]

[Cuts back to Peter and Brian]

BRIAN: Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. That check is obviously an oversight.

PETER: Not necessarily. Maybe I’m like their one-millionth customer.

BRIAN: What? You’re gonna spend $150,000 a week?

PETER: Oh. Yeah.

BRIAN: On what?

[Cut to Griffin yard]
LOIS: Oh my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

PETER: No, no I just rented it. But they’re gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.

[Throws through window]

MR. WEED: I shall call you Eduardo.

LOIS: Peter, how can we afford this?

CHRIS: You’re not gonna believe it, Mom! Dad’s getting—

PETER: A big raise!

LOIS: Peter, that’s wonderful

CHRIS: But, Dad I thought—

PETER: The kind of big raise that’ll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. I’ll buy us the most expensive meal we’ve ever had.

[Cut to drive through]

PETER: Yeah. I’d like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

CLERK: I beg your pardon?

PETER: 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

BRIAN: And as so-sage McBiscuit please.

[Cuts to house]

LOIS: Peter, honey what’s the big surprise?

PETER: You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen. Well I got you your own jester.

JESTER: Hey guys, good to be here in New England. And what’s the deal with “New” England anyway? It’s over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that’s not that new.

[Cuts to Quahog Institute of Cosmetic Surgery]

PETER: Ah, this is great. I can finally afford to give my daughter the lips she’s always dreamed of.

MEG: Thank you Daddy! [Kisses Peter]

LOIS: I don’t know Peter. Lips are one thing, but did you have to buy breast implants for Chris.

PETER: Eh, it makes him happy.

CHRIS: Hey, these are cool.

MAILWOMAN: When did you guys get a pool?

LOIS: [Laughs] It’s a moat. I know it’s silly but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that…we’re…well we’re rich.

MAILWOMAN: Does it work?

LOIS: Well, it does keep the black night at bay.

[Horse sputtering]

MAILWOMAN: Well, congratulations on all of your success. Here’s your welfare check.

LOIS: What the…[Foghorn blowing]

PETER: Hi honey!

[Lois stares at Peter]

PETER: What?

[Cut to inside of house]

PETER: Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom…That was a gift for Peter.

LOIS: Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can’t see straight.

PETER: Heh, no problem we got the money to get that fixed with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedys.

LOIS: You know, I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money!

PETER: Boy, she’s pretty pissed huh?

BRIAN: Yeah, who would’ve thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons.

PETER: What’s the point of having a jukebox in the john if your wife’s mad at you.

BRIAN: Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.

PETER: Yeah, but I gotta make sure Lois knows I’m doing it. I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about. We might have to leave Rhode Island for this one.

[Cut to Super Bowl]

ANNOUNCER: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight!

JOHN MADDEN: Pat, I think it’s safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football.

PAT SUMMERALL: John, we’re in commercial.

JOHN MADDEN: Yeah, I know. I’m just making conversation. Come on. Football!

BRIAN: Amazing, you can barely drive a car, but you’re allowed to drive a blimp?

PETER: Yeah, America’s great isn’t it? Except for the South. Oh boy, I hope Lois is watching. Okay taxpayers, here you go!

PAT SUMMERALL: Looks like we’re getting some rain here tonight, John.

JOHN MADDEN: Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It’s some kind of crazy money rain!

PAT SUMMERALL: I’m being told it’s a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.

PETER: Aw man, I hope this works. Otherwise I’m going to have to start dropping these. [Holds up a spiked ball]

[People cheering]

JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat?

PAT SUMMERALL: [Coat stuffed with money] Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old “trying to make amends for spending $150,000 in misappropriated welfare funds” play.
JOHN MADDEN: I don’t care what it is! This guy’s ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security.

GUARD: Go ahead.

JOHN MADDEN: Take them down!

GUARD: Yes, sir. [Fires gun at blimp]

[Cuts to prison]

BRIAN: How was your shower?

PETER: I tell you Brian, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true.

BRIAN: Really?

PETER: Oh yeah, you can’t hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing.

INMATE: Hey, there’s the guy that couldn’t hold onto the soap.

GUY: Oh, that was classic. [Laughs]

PETER: Oh boy, I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she’ll wait for me?

BRIAN: Oh, come on if every woman just dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Super Bowl nobody would be married.

PETER: Yeah, you’re right. Okay I got the top bunk.

[Cuts to Griffin house]

MEG: Oh, my collagen is wearing off.

LOIS: Well, honey sagging lips are just nature’s way of saying you shouldn’t cover for your father’s lie.

CHRIS: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

LOIS: Aw, it means your becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stays out all night and doesn’t call like your father who shall remain nameless.

STEWIE: Hello, mother.

LOIS: Well hi there, sweetie.
STEWIE: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. You’re life however is more like a box of active grenades!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

STEWIE: Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind control device, or be destroyed.

LOIS: Aw, you just want your toy back. Okay, here you go, honey.

STEWIE: Yes…Well, victory is mine!

[Explosion]

STEWIE:[Screams] Damn you all!

[Phone ringing]

LOIS: Hello? Oh my God!

[Cuts to courthouse]

PETER: Lois, aw man am I glad to see you.

LOIS: I have nothing to say to you Peter.

PETER: Why? I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?

LOIS: Peter, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. Compared to that welfare fraud doesn’t even matter.

PETER: Really? Let’s hope the judge feels that way.

LOIS: Uh…

JUDGE: This court will come to order.

PETER: Well, I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they’d catch their mistake. Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?

JUDGE: Mr. Griffin, don’t you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment?

PETER: Well, I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bikeshop owner?

[Cuts to Different Strokes]

BIKESHOP OWNER: All right, now I want you to scream real loud at my ass.

[Cuts back to courthouse]

PETER: And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

JUDGE: Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?

PETER: Oh yeah, stay the hell away from that bikeshop.

[People murmuring]

PETER: Okay everybody, I feel really about what I did. I just…I don’t know. I just saw the one chance I’d ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I’m sorry honey.

JUDGE: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I’m sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

LOIS: Oh no!

BRIAN: Oh no!

CHRIS: Oh no!

MEG: Oh no!

KOOL AID MAN: Oh yeah! [Edges back out of hole in wall]

LOIS: Excuse me, Your Honor?

JUDGE: Yes?

LOIS: Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. He may even be downright stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I’ll always stand by him.

PETER: I love you too honey.

JUDGE: That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him.

LOIS: What?
STEWIE: 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! As intolerable as it may be I’m completely dependent on those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the Constitution of American justice fares against…the device!

[Device pulsates]

JUDGE: Is that your boy?

PETER: What? Yeah. That’s Stewie.

JUDGE: Gosh. I can’t separate a kid that young from his father. It’s unjudgemenly. Aw hell you’ve learned your lesson right?

PETER: Yeah.

JUDGE: All right, you’re off the hook.

PETER: Wow? Can you give me my job back?

JUDGE: No.

[Device pulsates]

JUDGE: Yes.

PETER: All right!

[Cheery instrumental music]

[Man laughing on TV]

ED: That was a crazy one, Dick.

DICK: It sure was Ed. In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: “She sells seashells down by the seashore.”

[Cuts to Joanie Loves Chachi]

JOANIE: What does your mom do for a living?

CHACHI: Eh, she sells seashells down by the—[Gets mauled by bear]

[Cuts back to Griffins]

PETER: [Laughs] That is kind of a tongue twister.

LOIS: Aw, it’s good to have you home, Peter.

PETER: Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay.

MEG: I am sure gonna miss being rich.

PETER: Don’t worry. I got a way to get money.

BRIAN: Not another welfare scam?

PETER: No. Minority scholarship.

[Giggles]

[Jazzy instrumental music]

[End credits]